New to Online Dating? Read This.

So you’ve decided to embark on the journey of online dating. Congrats! Maybe you’ve heard success stories from friends and are ready to jump in yourself. Maybe you’ve heard the stat that almost one third of new relationships start online. Or maybe you’re starting a new phase in life and haven’t been on the dating market in a long time. Whatever the case, the prospect of venturing into the digital dating realm may seem daunting, especially for first-timers. I know it was for me! My first ever date was incredibly awkward and uncomfortable because I had no idea what I was doing or what to ask; luckily, I ended up loosening up, getting better at dating, learning to have a good time, and making some of my best friends along the way to finding my life partner (on Hinge!)

As a seasoned online dating expert, I have a few tips for you to keep in mind when you’re new to online dating. Hopefully, these tips will help you avoid the biggest dating mistakes and have a pleasant introduction to the world of the apps. So let’s get started!

Different Platforms = Different Expectations and Norms

With a plethora of different online dating platforms available, selecting the right one can be overwhelming. There are two major things to consider when choosing a platform: the reputation of the platform for the type of relationship you’re looking for (some apps are more known for casual relationship, others for LTRs) and the filters that the app allows if you are looking for a specific value (like if you are looking for someone of your same religion.) Research different options, ask your friend’s opinions, and read reviews to find a platform that aligns with your dating goals. Apps have different reputations in different areas of the world, so unfortunately we can’t recommend a one-size-fits-all solution—but check out our article on online dating apps for some ideas.

It’s a Slow Process – That Includes the Apps

Just because there’s a million options to swipe through doesn’t mean that the process of getting a date is instantaneous! I wish I had been a bit more aware of this when I started—I assumed that because I had gotten a match or a message, a date was soon on the way. Nope—I had to learn to wade through mountains of messageless matches (that was my own fault—I eventually learned to message first!) and small talk that went nowhere to get to my first online date. And to many more.

A match is just the first step, messages are step 1.1. Patience is key, as well as recognizing that at this stage, people are busy and may not reply instantaneously. Commitment and consistency comes after time. If people drop off for no discernible reason, don’t take it personally—assume they got hit by a car, not that they hate you and are ghosting you after you told them about your day and asked them about their love of travel.

A Better Profile Leads to More Dates: Use A Hook

Your dating profile serves as your introduction, so make it count. Use genuine and engaging photos that accurately represent you. Craft a captivating bio that highlights your personality, interests, values, and sense of humor. And don’t expect to keep the same profile for the entire time—have fun with it! Think of it as a creative exercise, not a tedious form to be filled out. And you are marketing yourself, so make it positive.

We advocate for people writing their profiles to use a hook—something that makes it easy for any potential dates to ask you out and to get the conversation started. “I’m trying to try all the coffee shops in Williamsburg” or “I’m really into Rum Cocktails lately—know any good Tiki Bars?” These kinds of “hooks” make it easy for a potential date to ask you out and lead to more dates rather than just getting stuck in the messaging or matching stage. Make it easy for your match and you’ll be rewarded with many dates.

Set Expectations

Depending on what you’ve heard about online dating, you may be expecting it to go a certain way. Before diving into the world of online dating, it’s crucial to set realistic expectations. Online dating should be an enjoyable experience, not a source of stress or anxiety. Approach it with an open mind, seeking genuine connections rather than chasing validation or immediate gratification. Online dating is about finding someone who resonates with you, not trying to be someone you’re not or impressing everyone you meet.

Don’t take things personally.

Someone didn’t respond to your message? Unmatched you? Wrote only one word answers in response to your thoughtful questions? Tried to neg you, said something nasty, or cancelled right before the date? Don’t take it personally. Give them the benefit of the doubt—assume that everyone who doesn’t respond to you is having a family emergency that has nothing to do with you. Assume everyone who unmatches you just accidentally deleted the app. However, some people will just suck, and it will be hard to give their behavior a kindly explanation. If there’s no way to give people grace, try to let these people be an amusing memory rather than a source of baggage.

There is no “right” way to date.

Be wary of advice-givers on the internet telling you that all men are like X or all women like Y. In fact, be wary of any dating advice you come across! (Yes, even mine.) Read with a critical mind. The person giving the advice is biased by their own experiences and worldview. You need to make sure that their advice fits your situation and the mindset you want to have. We don’t all want the same things from dating, and different advice fits different types of people. Who are you looking for? What kind of person are you? This poor advice-giving happens IRL too—our friends give us advice on how to find the person of their dreams.

First Date Jitters are Normal

It’s understandable to be nervous on your first ever online date. It’s rare that we ever have to meet someone new one-on-one and talk to them alone for a whole hour! If you need to, admit that it’s your first online date ever. They’ve been there! Ask them if they’ve had any wacky stories, or even what their first ever date was like. You’re not alone.

Safety First: Don’t Let Up

It can be easy to get carried away after a few successful dates on a dating app and assume that everyone you meet is going to be wonderful. However, it’s important to not let safety concerns slide, especially on first dates. It’s best to meet in a public place both of you can get to and leave from on your own. Stay sober enough to take care of yourself, and if you feel uncomfortable with someone’s behavior, don’t hesitate to block or report them on the app, or leave the date early. We have an article about online dating safety tips.

Chemistry Can Be Misleading

It’s understandable that when you’re first venturing into the world of online dating, the initial spark of chemistry can feel incredibly promising. That magnetic pull, that effortless connection you might feel on a first date, is certainly exciting. However, it’s wise to remember that chemistry, while a delightful ingredient, isn’t always a reliable indicator of long-term compatibility. Sometimes, those intense initial connections can fade just as quickly, leaving behind a sense of confusion and disappointment.

You might find, as I did, that some of the dates where you felt the most immediate and powerful chemistry were also the ones that fizzled out most unexpectedly. The intensity of the initial connection can sometimes overshadow other important aspects of a relationship, such as shared values, life goals, and communication styles.

Don’t Get Too Attached.

In time, people who have been online dating for a while learn not to get too attached in the initial stages of dating. This doesn’t mean they aren’t open to becoming vulnerable when they meet someone they connect with—it means they understand that, for reasons that are out of their control, the timing, circumstance, or mutual attraction may not be right for every person you initially have a connection with. We can get excited after only one good date and make assumptions that we are on the way to a deeper connection, then be let down during dates two or three or seven. Remember that it takes a while to get to truly know someone, no matter how good your first impression is, and don’t make assumptions about where you stand with the other person—clarify.

Know the Stages of Commitment

Similar to the above, it’s important to understand that online dating often unfolds with a different rhythm than dating someone you’ve known or met in person. In these online spaces, assumptions about commitment or exclusivity can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It’s wise to have open and direct conversations about where you both stand, what you’re looking for, and the pace at which you’re comfortable moving forward. Don’t assume that frequent communication or even deep conversations equate to a defined level of commitment.

Clarifying your intentions and expectations early on can save you from potential emotional entanglement that isn’t reciprocated. It’s perfectly healthy to date multiple people until you’ve both explicitly agreed to exclusivity. This open communication fosters a foundation of honesty and respect, allowing the relationship to develop at a pace that feels comfortable and transparent for both individuals. By consciously navigating these stages of commitment, you can protect your emotional well-being and build connections based on clear understanding.

Take Periodic Breaks

Online dating can be engaging, but it’s also important to approach it with a sense of mindful intention. Just as with any significant endeavor, taking periodic breaks can be incredibly beneficial. Stepping away allows you to recharge, reflect, and return with a fresh perspective. Without these pauses, online dating can sometimes begin to feel repetitive or even draining, potentially leading to burnout.

Think of these breaks as opportunities for self-care and recentering. During this time, you can focus on other aspects of your life that bring you joy and fulfillment. When you eventually return to online dating, you may find that you approach it with renewed energy and a clearer sense of what you’re truly seeking. Giving yourself this space ensures that the journey remains one of hopeful exploration rather than an obligation.

Embracing Patience and Enjoying the Process

Online dating is a journey, not a destination. Embrace patience and don’t get discouraged if you don’t meet your soulmate overnight. Take your time, enjoy the process of getting to know new people, and learn from each experience. Remember, there’s no right or wrong timeline for finding love. Just because your friend married the first person they met on Tinder doesn’t mean you will, too. The only way to be certain you’ll fail to find someone is to give up.

Spend Time on Reflection to Celebrate the Good and Weather the Bad

Dating has the possibility of changing your life more than almost any other activity. Yet we often don’t take the time to truly think about what we want and how it’s going, aimlessly hoping that the right person will just show up. Consider journaling after dates to process the difficult emotions that can come with dating, and take the time to truly understand what you’re looking for. We created our dating journal as a guided journal for online dating to help you do just this.

Dating is a Skill

Is dating a skill? It certainly feels that way to me. I remember my first online date vividly – it was definitely awkward. I even admitted to my date that it was my first time, and I was nervous! That initial experience didn’t lead to anything romantic, but it taught me a lot and moved me forward on the path of finding love. Each date, whether it resulted in a second or not, helped me learn how to connect with others and navigate other situations with ease.

Over time, I found myself growing more confident in navigating the dating landscape. I learned how to express my boundaries, saying “no” with kindness and grace, developed a better sense of when a connection wasn’t the right fit. Just like any skill, dating involves practice, reflection, and a gradual growth in your ability to handle its complexities with more ease. So don’t be afraid if your first few dates don’t go as planned, or if you feel awkward or uncomfortable. It’s part of the process.

Conclusion

Online dating can be an enriching and rewarding experience, allowing you to connect with all sorts of people. Navigating online dating is truly about getting to know yourself while also meeting others. Remember to approach it with honesty and a clear sense of what you’re looking for. Allow yourself to connect with people in a genuine way, but also be aware that first impressions aren’t always everything. Approach the process thoughtfully, and know that taking breaks is a way of taking care of yourself, not giving up.

I hope this article has given you more confidence in getting out there in the online dating world. I wish you the best of luck out there, and happy dating!