The following post is a version of the dating patterns exercise taken from our guided dating journal, The Date Book. For more exercises and prompts like these, check it out!
Dating patterns are the scenarios we find ourselves falling into again and again while dating. In other words, they’re the things we complain about when talking about dating with our friends. Here are a few patterns and problems that are common in modern dating; you may find you resemble a combination of these, or none at all.
If you recognize one of more of these archetypes in your dating life, take some time to journal or consider why they might be happening. Reflecting on these patterns often will help you realize when a cycle is repeating itself.
To understand is to perceive patterns.
Isaiah berlin
Dating Pattern #1: Tired Ted
Complaint: “I’m dating people, but tiring of them after a short period of time.”
Symptoms: A bunch of great first dates that fizzle out on date two or three.
Potential Causes: You love meeting people in general. The excitement of a new romantic prospect makes it feel like every first date is a winner. But getting deeper reveals that the person isn’t right for you.
Potential Solutions: Try to ask more revealing questions on a first date. Don’t judge the date by how interesting the person was; maybe you’re just really good at getting them to open up. Instead, look at your desired values and goals and learn more about a deeper compatibility.
Dating Pattern #2: Wronged Wren
Complaint: “I’m dating and getting involved with people that are wrong for me or treat me poorly.”
Symptoms: Always dating assholes.
Potential Causes: Willfully ignoring red flags, making excuses for poor behavior, not listening to your gut.
Potential Solutions: Create a red flags list and be strict with yourself on not continuing to date people when you notice them. Listen to your gut on apps. Journal and reflect after dates to make sure you aren’t ignoring any red flags. If boundaries and toxicity are a serious problem in your life, it may be helpful to speak to a qualified therapist or professional that can help you make deeper changes.
Dating Pattern #3: Burned-Out Bailey
Complaint: “I’m dating, but it’s a chore and I don’t really have the time or energy for it.”
Symptoms: Showing up with low energy, dates try to engage you but you’re already bored. Or you just stop responding on dating apps, and only do the easy part (the swiping.)
Potential Causes: Too many dates recently, or too busy in other parts of your life. Dating because you feel you have to due to societal pressure, not because you want to.
Potential Solutions: Take a break from dating and take some time to reflect on what you want out of it. Come back when you’re excited again.
Dating Pattern #4: Critical Cassie
Complaint: “I have a list of criteria so long that no one will ever meet it.”
Symptoms: Dates go alright, but afterwards you come up with reasons you don’t want to meet again. Or, you never meet anyone in the first place because your vetting is extremely strict.
Potential Causes: Your criteria excludes too many people (ie. you want to date a man in finance, blonde hair, blue eyes, 6’5, trust fund, heart of gold, lots of free time and emotionally available—good luck!)
Potential Solutions: High standards are important, but you want to make sure that they aren’t insane standards. Or, if you’re not willing to budge (sometimes you shouldn’t), you’ll need a lot of patience.
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Dating Pattern #5: Bad Luck Bianca
Complaint: “I’m having a string of bad luck with dating—timing and random chance seem to be stacked against me.”
Symptoms: First dates that go really well, but they start dating someone else seriously soon after. Distracting life events that happen when you’re finally in the mood to start dating again. Dates where your filtering was perfect and there’s nothing you could have noticed beforehand to avoid a terrible date.
Potential Causes: The universe.
Potential Solutions: Unfortunately, patience and motivation are the only things that work here.
Dating Pattern #6: Matchless Mary
Complaint: “I’m struggling to get any matches—the apps aren’t working for me.”
Symptoms: No matches on the apps.
Potential Causes: Something’s off in your profile!
Potential Solutions: Get help with your profile. Take better pictures, make sure there isn’t anything offensive or confusing in your profile.
Dating Pattern #7: Dateless Dave
Complaint: “I’m getting matches, but struggling to go on any dates—I can’t get past the messaging stage.”
Symptoms: Lots of matches but no actual dates.
Potential Causes: Your profile doesn’t have any conversation starters, and it doesn’t give your potential dates an easy way to ask you out or start talking to you.
Potential Solutions: Make your profile easy-to-message and approach. List things you’d like to do on dates to make it easy to ask you out. Or, commit to sending the first message or initiating, if you’re not getting any messages.
Dating Pattern #8: Bored Betty
Complaint: “I’m dating, but I struggle to connect with anyone or find people I like.”
Symptoms: Dates are always “meh”.
Potential Causes: Bad filtering on the apps, or difficulty opening up during dates.
Potential Solutions: Work on taking charge on your dates and leading the conversation to better connect with your dates. Ask deeper questions or make it a point to find commonalities. Spend more time in the filtering stage and only go on dates you’re excited about.
Dating Pattern #9: Stuck Steve
Complaint: “I’m going on first or second dates and finding people I like, but they don’t want to pursue things further.”
Symptoms: Rejection after dates, getting ghosted, no-follow up.
Potential Causes: You’re not putting your best foot forward on dates. Your dating profile pictures and energy don’t match your real-life counterpart.
Potential Solutions: Take the time to assess and journal about what your dates are like. What impression are you giving off? It might be time to ask a friend for help. Read this article about what causes “no spark” on dates.
Dating Pattern #10: Committed Carl
Complaint: “I’m looking for a serious relationship, but everyone I meet seems uninterested in commitment.”
Symptoms: Meeting up and being told they aren’t looking for a relationship. Dating for a while, but then being told they aren’t interested in something serious.
Potential Causes: Using the wrong app, bad filtering.
Potential Solutions: Switch to a dating app that’s more known for relationships (not Tinder!) Make sure you have that you’re looking for a relationship on your profile, and stop meeting with people who don’t have the same desires clearly stated on their profiles. Don’t continue to date people who aren’t sure they are looking for a serious relationship.
Dating Pattern #11: Casual Catherine
Complaint: “I only want to date casually, but only seem to be meeting people interested in more commitment.”
Symptoms: Having to break a lot of hearts
Potential Causes: Using the wrong app, not being upfront in your profile.
Potential Solutions: Be upfront in your profile about what you’re looking for.
Dating Pattern #12: Clueless Kara
Complaint: “I have no idea what’s going on in my dating life. It’s a mix of everything above.”
Symptoms: Running from relationship to relationship without taking time for reflection, no critical thinking about your dating life and too much swiping.
Potential Causes: Assuming that finding love should be effortless—and not wanting to put any work in.
Potential Solutions: If you really have no idea what is going on in your love life, and none of the archetypes above seem to fit, then it’s definitely time to get some clarity. Try our 30-day dating challenge or spend time doing some deep reflection.
Conclusion
We hope this was helpful for diagnosing your dating. Remember, dating is complicated and there’s no single “right” way to do it. Whether you’re jumping from one exciting fling to another, settling into a comfortable long-term relationship, or enjoying your own company as a single person, each experience teaches us something valuable. Be yourself, learn from your experiences, and the right path will reveal itself in time. Best of luck out there, and happy dating!